Starting over: I think I start over every week in some area of my life. Why? Because I am not a disciplined personality. I am a disciplined-habit-keeping-routine-list-making wannabee. I want to have my day ordered, taking things one step at a time, having habits in place that I don't have to really think about. I know the value of going from one task to another without having to 'talk' myself into the task; it should be automatic, I shouldn't waste brain power or will power to 'decide' to do it. Like making my bed or getting dressed in the morning or putting my glasses on.
I want to be disciplined, and yet no matter how often I work on this area of my life, I still, after almost 50 years, can't get it perfect. Probably one of the few habits I have is working on forming habits! I know that my personality is what is making it impossible for me to succeed in this desire. Maybe it's the procrastination part of me; or is it the flexible, change-embracing (as opposed to change-resisting) part of me? Over time I have become less of a procrastinator and more of a habit or routine keeper. If I do fall into procrastination mode, I still gets lots of stuff done as I avoid the one or two tasks over which I am procrastinating. I frequently make lists of what I have accomplished for the day just so I can see that I am actually getting things done, habitually, every day.
Some of the things I have learned about myself is that if I am given a detailed plan to follow about how to do pretty much anything, I will resist it, rebel against it, and eventually change it or tweak it to my own ideas about how to do something. What does that say about me? Is it my rebellious nature that does this, or is it a positive side to me that just gets out of hand sometimes, preventing me from following someone else's idea of how to do something? I won't follow a recipe to the letter (mostly for cooking, I do pretty much follow a recipe for baking), I can't follow a diet for longer than a week, I can't do the same thing at the same time every single day of my life, and if I start to see myself doing that, something inside of me kicks in and stops me from sticking with it. I wonder how I managed to raise four children, feeding them, caring for their bodily needs every day--I guess that is one area where I did keep good habits without even thinking about it.
At this point, you may be thinking that I am some kind of a freak who never gets anything done. Actually, I read books all the time about how to be efficient, creating habits, dieting and exercise books, plans to follow for every area of my life--housework, hospitality, home schooling, Bible study, and more. I love thinking creatively about how to get things done and reading or hearing about how others accomplish what they do in a day. Mini habits are the way I get things done--breaking up my goals into very small chunks so I can see myself succeed (at least for a little while) and baby steps that become real habits to me which I follow for the rest of my life (mostly). I have to be 'in the mood' to cook, to clean, to write, to read, to exercise. Even when I tell myself that I am working towards consistency and true habits, I have to qualify myself because I will never be able to keep to the habits absolutely. I don't always know my own limitations, and so I get stressed about how busy I am and wonder how I will ever get anything done which paralyzes me and sometimes prevents me from starting something new or causes me to procrastinate.
I wonder: does anyone keep routines, daily habits, disciplines absolutely? I do know people who seem to be ultra-disciplined. Usually, they are the people that I wish I could be like. Disciplined people seem to know what they can do and what they can't. But sometimes they seem to have difficulty being flexible with their day or don't deal with change or life circumstances very well. Nothing is allowed to distract the ultra-disciplined from their daily work. I am sure they get a lot done, and their flexibility exists as long as it can be conformed to schedules and routines. But there seems to be less creativity at times, less spontaneity in these kinds of personalities. Maybe that is the trade-off for being a person completely disciplined. And actually as much as I wish I could be as disciplined as they are, they also drive me a little crazy when I am around them. I drive them crazy, too, I am sure. That's the interesting side of having relationships with people who are different than you.
My assessment of the disciplined person as compared to me may be completely wrong. I may be glorifying their abilities or justifying my own weaknesses. My desire is to reduce daily stress by having habits in place so that on my worst day I can still get up, and 'do something', or many 'somethings' so each day is a success. I struggle against my own flesh (physically) and against the leanings of my personality (mentally) to do, accomplish, excel at life, to be someone who values small daily work that adds up to bring meaning to me and to others. All of the habits I want to develop should serve me intellectually, spiritually and physically. Routines, discipline, habits should serve rather than enslave an individual; if I keep that in mind, hopefully, I can find a balance of creativity and flexibility while working towards keeping habits with less effort.
